I Am Enough

Trudging through deep waters, fighting just to be enough.

Blind to my reflection in others I turn handshakes into handcuffs.

If I can't join 'em, I'll be damned if I don't beat 'em, sleep 'em, chew 'em up and eat 'em.

Spit 'em out, and with a smile I'll greet 'em.

Because the pain gets buried so deep that I don't feel it eatin' away at my soul.

But God knows someday I'll be enough.

From anonymous mammal, to vicious animal, friendship cannibal. I devour all that's good because closeness I can't handle.

What's close can fall apart.

What's close can walk away.

What's close can sour and spoil, get buried in the soil, decay from happiness to turmoil.

But I know someday I'll be enough.

Everywhere I'd go I'd fight. Day after day, night after night, sometimes in the streets, sometimes under bright lights, sometimes even when I knew damn well it wasn't right.

But fighter's fight, that's what we do, we find a fight to win and we push through, destroying all that's pure and true.

But it's ok, it's alright, someday I know I'll be enough.

I didn't find the light.

God knows I didn't.

The light found me, in my darkest moments, begging and pleading, heart bleeding, faith fleeting, down on my knees I prayed and my cries were answered.

But there was no thundering voice, the seas didn't part, there was no miracle forming in front of me, only a whisper in my ear...

"You were always more than enough."

I heard but I didn't listen, not at first, my need for domination was an unquenchable thirst.

After all, for years I was fully immersed in the darkness, in the depths, in the trenches of my pain, trading my soul for 15-25 minutes of fame.

Just doing what I knew, or at least what I thought I knew could make me feel like I was enough.

But when the light comes it comes with a deafening force, we can resist but we better let it run it's course, because when the light comes it comes riding a dark horse.

My brother told me, "sometimes God let's you hit rock bottom so you know that God's the rock at the bottom," but even then I still fought Him, fought Her, the Mother and the Father, the Infinite, the human mind can't even begin to comprehend it.

It's all that is, all that ever was and all that ever will be, alone, in the darkness of infinity, so it creates us, and we are it, taking a vacation from knowing what it means to be the infinite.

From what it means to be more than enough, from what it means to be everything.

It's a hell of a burden being all that is, all that ever was and all that ever will be.

Thankfully, gratefully, you get to be you and I get to be me, because I don't know about you but being me feels a whole hell of a lot better than being God for infinity.

What pain, what horrible, horrible pain, to be alone forever, to be the only one, to never, ever be able to know yourself, but to know all that is, all that ever was and all that ever will be, what pain.

This life is a gift, a true blessing, our ignorance, our pain and all of our suffering, a beautiful, beautiful gift.

It might not sit well at first, trying to accept that the absolute worst is a gift, a blessing, and after all those years in the dark guessing, wondering, "Am I enough? Am I?"

Ya you're enough, I'm enough, we're enough, we always were and we always will be, because we're the divine expression of Infinity, taking a vacation from knowing what it means to be the infinite.